mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
