Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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