Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
