You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize