just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
