I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize