I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
