I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
