last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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