I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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