It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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