Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
