whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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