It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
