I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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