Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
