Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
