I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
