I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's official drugs can't kill me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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