I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
