someone threw a dead crab at me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
