i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
