my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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