my phone needs a breathalizer
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
