drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
