i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
