I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
