LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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