A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
