I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
