please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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