Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize