you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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