Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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