The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
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