My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
