Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
