i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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