Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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