so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
