i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My ass is underappreciated
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
