There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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