she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
