I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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