i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
