how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
