You're a womanizer and a bitch.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
