So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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