Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
