Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
