have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize