The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
