So drunk its hurt
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
