I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
