OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Randomize
