now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
