My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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