How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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