everyone is single if you try hard enough
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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