and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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